“Becoming a child again is what is impossible. That’s what you have a legitimate reason to be upset over. Childhood is the most valuable thing that’s taken away from you in life, if you think about it. “
- Heather O’Neill
We were at Anna’s brother’s place – the cousins were playing Monopoly except for the youngest, who is usually kicked out of such board games given his short attention span and disruptive nature. I had sneaked upstairs to catch up with my reading whilst the others were having their dinner. It wasn’t easy trying to read with noisy kids around but I happily welcomed their natter, loving the feeling of family around me.
It is a joyous experience for me to see my daughter amongst her favourite people in the world – her cousins. My niece means the world to her and my girl hangs on to every single word she utters. All of a sudden I sensed the game wrapping up – it was kind of abrupt and so I looked up my reading to see my daughter downcast while my niece and nephew were packing up. I found that my gal had accidentally brushed the pieces on the board while leaning forward to pick up something and seeing that it was close to bed-time my niece had called it quits rather than setting the board again. The cousins left for downstairs while my daughter was quietly sitting in her corner. I did not find anything amiss and would have quickly returned to where I had left reading, when something made me glance again in my daughter’s direction. I then realised she was trying her to best to hold back her tears and at my enquiry, quickly let the flood gates open. Amidst the sobs and gasps, I managed to hear the words she was choking on “we were having a good time, why do I always ruin good moments?”
My daughter isn’t exactly well coordinated – call it childish clumsiness or her leggy awkwardness, she is usually accident prone….something I hope she will soon outgrow of. But this did not seem the moment to point it out, rather my heart went out to her, self berating herself over something that was purely an accident. Besides, blaming herself for everything that goes wrong in the universe seemed totally “Sujatha” to me and the last thing I wanted for my daughter was to be a pea of the same pod and to believe in the “Sujatha” touch. A few hugs and kisses, some kind words and the worst disaster seemed to be averted. She was back to her confident self in the safe haven of my arms and bouncing down the stairs to make herself the star of perhaps another accident zone. I sat there marvelling at the resilient nature of kids, tears one moment, smiles the another – how hopeful and kind the world seemed to be at such an innocent and tender age.
I could not return back to my book instead I found myself wanting to be a child again. I wanted to believe in the wholeness of my universe again, to fall back to the magic of comforting words and tender hugs – I too wanted a wand that could make my world better again. Somewhere in the task of raising two kids and being an adult ( at least attempting to ), I found that I had come a long way from my own parents – today I stop to turn and look behind and find myself quite alone. Sometimes I think I wait for my mother’s voice asking me to wrap up my playacting ( as an adult) and come home as it is getting dark.
The last few months have been so difficult for me – the past offering no comfort, the present and the future quite bleak. Too many painful decisions to take, one step ahead, two steps behind…..leaving me with the illusion of no progress made despite time flying past quickly. Like an alzheimer’s addled brains sometimes interspersed with lucid moments, I too have optimistic moments, but lately they have been very few on stocktake. In the end, I am left wanting for support…..comforting words that would bolster my self-esteem, rebuild my confidence, restore my faith in people and relationships…….perhaps this is where I envy my religious friends who seem to have their faith as a security blanket…….alas, no fattening of calves for this prodigal daughter…….home is still a far way to go.
“Amma”…..I hear Mugil’s cry permeating my consciousness and breaking into my reverie of thoughts. I am gently brought back to earth, his cry reminding me that life is not cyclic – once a phase is completed, it stays concluded. I can no longer return to being a child, besides did I not spend my childhood wanting to grow into an adult …..so, what am I talking about now? Is one’s life all about wishing about pastures yonder?
I am slipping back on my mantle of adulthood, hastily skipping down the stairs to resume my role of the mother…….perhaps, to feel needed is a luxury too, I better enjoy it before the kids outgrow the need for their security blanket, their mom 
Sudha Basanth: (from FB) That was pretty intense!! Did make me think of the days when I laid in my mom’s arms wondering why the world was so hostile to me!! and then getting up briskly to face the world after my mom’s tender hug and encouraging words!! Things to think about when we are in the mother role, to encourage the kids and get them ready for a rather tough and hostile world! Good one Suja!
Thanks Sudha, I am glad u liked it. We have schools for every single profession out there……training, apprenticeship for every itsy, bitsy role, but the most important role of all, we are left to fend for ourselves, find it out by trial and error
Parenthood in general !!!
So true Sujatha..you have so beautifully narrated what each one of us are going through in our roles as mothers..I never did realise that this role is perhaps the most challenging and most demanding skills required. The effort rates “Can do Better” always. I find my LLLI books in my library quite upraising and upholding in my path of fending myself as a mother.
Yasmin, somehow I have never been into self-help books……perhaps, a big flaw in me. I am more used to bungling my way thru’ life and perhaps whinging and whining about it…but you have got my curiosity perked up….what are those books u are talking about?
Good one – two little stories there only coincidentally connected with the parenthood theme. But good ones.
I guess we all need a refresher course on the first noble Truth : Death Disease and Old age approach you from all sides. We make it personal, not thinking this is universal – or if we do, we just accept it and shelve it. Thus spake the Meditator on Death. (Famous last words?)
The Klutz with two left feet in me is actually tickled and thinks your daughter prefers a different game: Schemiel! (ok, Game Theory sez : All of our bungles are unconscious ways of getting even with people – spilling stuff on carpet, stepping on their toes etc..). Comprendez? Now step off my carpet.
Duh, I am sure I replied to this one, but the comment has gone missing…….sigh.
I luv your comments……..if there is someone amongst us peers whose writing I envy, it is yrs mate
actually the Berne guy himself: http://www.ericberne.com/games/games_people_play_schlemiel.htm
Hey you have got me really intrigued…….I should read the book now
“Child again” — very true and no doubt, beautifully narrated. I generally, try to stay away from commenting on any blog… but this one is too good to pass up. I, once heard a mom advising her whiny kid, … “Try to enjoy the moment that you have now”… May be, what she meant is to not bother about the ‘past’ or worry about the ‘future’, neither of which, we control.
Ha ha why do I feel I fit the role of the whiny kid so perfectly
Thanks, nice to hear from you !!! Keep in touch.
A very good blog… As a parent, I totally agree with “feeling needed is a luxury too” and this blog reminded me that I better enjoy these moments while I am needed by my child… Need a pause button for the hectic issues of life when the child needs (even though trivial) attention…
I need a universal remote for my life
with all kinds of buttons……..glad u liked the blog.
so true… sometimes I wish I had super powers to protect my kids, sometimes I wish I am a child again and yearn for some motherly love and comfort.
Wonderful narration Suja !! Keep writing !
Puni
I dont know…. I still keep telling anna, we are just fumbling kids in adult bodies……atleast for myself, I can never call myself an adult at any time, I guess
)
your blog and some comments, trigger some memories …parenting – I’ve always realised that we are pathetic at it … and who else can I compare ourselves than with my parents/mom!
similar situations in that past – involving me (I still am not well coordinated – I’ve learnt to laugh at myself at such instances and am used to it now(possibly I’ve had such laugh occassions more than all comical films/cartoons/serial I would have seen) – some intentional many unintentional. Message from mom was always clear – if it is unintentional she would just love the moment, laugh at it, had let me feel comfortable and I just come out of it.
Intentional – I was possibly at 4th or 5th – was playing cricket with my friends – all was well, till I created some trouble (it was about a bowler wanting to bowl with hats on, and I batsman was against it, reason – ????), I hit a friend of mine – the game was called off, guy went running, crying, shouting “I am going to bring my brother”. I ran on the other direction and finally got into our bathroom and acted as if taking bath, (in)tensely listening to the happenings. Few moments later I did hear the “big brother” talking to my mom but could not gather anything.
When I was damn sure that big brother was gone, I came out and then came the lesson of my life. My mom was trembling but was in full control – she let me explain the events leading to the problem and by then was to her normal self – then came the advice – loud and clear – “If you want fight with some one, do it, but face it till the end – don’t get to hiding, you will have to face them again, and secondly don’t assume that getting into house is anyway safe – next time if it happens – I would let such big brothers in to take you to task”
And this possibly defined who I am – and is still relevant to all walks of my life including at office – I’ve my boss seated at Gurgaon and for sometime now, we talk for not more than an hour per week – and I’ve lot of decision making opportunities and the mantra that is applied – “if you are sure you can handle the consequences with your face/head up, do it”
I miss amma!
You are never one to talk, the only occasion I got you to talk, I still remember the consequences of it
But you are here sharing your feelings and I can understand how much you are missing mom. I am sorry Ganesh…..but you know she is always there in your memories, no one can take that away from you……..the ravages of time perhaps might diminish the intensity of our emotions, but can never make any pictures fade away. Having said that, dont see the song I posted on FB
Take care, you have a wonderful mother in your wife……she’s the real earth mother type, you are lucky my friend !!!
Ganesh, sorry just remembered wrong song on FB
Today i experience the same feelings Suj, i have this desire to be a kid, burying herself in the strong shoulders of a parent who can tell her everything is okay. i am so yearning for love and security more than any moment in my life. in spite of the fact all my family are around, but i don’t remember that i was a daughter or the child there; i have assumed since ever the role of the big sister. even with my friends, they always see me the strong person whom they can rely on and can comfort them. today, am too tired to act this role, and it is me who needs love, comfort and security; and i can’t ask the people who see me as a strong person to be now my comforting shoulders. my mind yearn for only one person whom i believe can fulfill the role, and this person is so far away and actually is the one behind my agony!
[...] post of mine, Child Again, is a favourite for most of my readers, as many of them are able to relate to [...]